Beginnings & Endings

I’ve been wanting to start a blog for a while. The idea of allowing my thoughts to come out, not necessarily in proper order or even complete is a bit appealing although I’m usually quite the perfectionist. So I’ve decided to begin, even if it’s not ready; even though my website isn’t yet updated; even though I “should” be working on last minute details for the tele-series which begins Wednesday (Birthing Ourselves); even though I’m not sure how I’ll be approaching this as time goes by.

My hope is that the ezine will be the chosen media for weekly organized articles and tips, and this blog will be for coherent, but not necessarily complete, ideas relating to pregnancy, birth, and parenting. I would also enjoy the opportunity to get more real-time feedback from moms and moms-to-be. I love feedback and knowing that the ideas that sometimes ramble through my head make sense (or don’t) to other women. I also want to share what is going on in my house, as I attempt to practice what I teach.

Right now, I’m in the process of facilitating a gentle ending. My youngest daughter is still nursing and although I didn’t have plans to stop at any specific age, I’m frustrated by the demands of it. I’ve created boundaries that make it easier for me (when we wake in the morning, nap time, after bath/before bedtime.) And although the transition to this routine was progressive and natural, my resistance to additional nursing is frustrating to my daughter.

When she asks and I say no, K can get super-mad. Lately, she’s beginning to pinch me to show how upset she is. You can imagine this does not make me more likely to say yes. Instead, we’re both upset. Remembering that she’s just a baby- in her mind there’s no magic age at which nursing is less needed & this has been her comfort for 2 years now, usually helps me keep my head together somewhat.To top it off now J (4 1/2) has been asking to nurse too. This has happened a handful of times since K was born, and I always said yes. Now she’s asking 3 times a week and I’m saying no to her too.

Here is where my unconscious past meets my attempt at Conscious Parenting:

Part of my history, especially with men, was based on messages that my body was not really my own. My actions were often based on the idea that I was obligated to say yes & meet the physical needs of another because they “wanted me to.”

Part of teaching my girls to honor their body, is living as an example of that. It’s a real balancing act right now. I don’t say yes to nursing, when I mean no. I believe kids (babies too) know the underlying truth within a mother’s body. The message I want to share with my girls is that my obligation to honor my inner truth is just as important as my obligation to meet their needs. Since my kids are old enough to eat food for most of their nutrition, nursing is more about close, quiet time. And I’m 100% willing to look for ways to meet their needs in ways that also sustain me, and allow me to give without reservation or restriction. I want my Yes to be 100% Yes, especially where my body is concerned.

The other part of my balancing act & it’s strange to admit- I’m resistant to letting go of nursing even though I’d like to stop. My body has been pregnant and/or nursing for over 5 1/2 years. I’d like to relax without nursing. I want cuddles without nursing. I always thought I’d be so sad to see the end of nursing, but in this moment, I’m kind of looking forward to it. And yet, there’s a part of me that knows I will miss it when it’s over. The same part that knows my kids are growing up so fast I can barely keep track.

But that just makes it more important to me to watch my actions more closely and be sure I’m an example of what I’m trying to teach them.