So, my period was late. I’ve been feeling kind of tired. My boobs are kind of sore, especially nursing- feeling more than usually touched-out. I had 3 days of headaches, which is very unusual. And I have just been feeling wierd overall.
So I bought a test.
I was late enough, and concerned enough that it might be true, that I confided in my husband. Maybe not unusual for some, but dh isn’t sure he wants any more children (actually he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want more kids). So I wasn’t sure how to even start the conversation, but managed somehow.
I had to gear up- for the conversation and the test. I had to think about what it would mean for it to be “yes” and what it would mean for it to be “no”.
By the time I peed on the stick, I was actually shaking a little. I couldn’t figure out why I was so nervous. I mean, I have done this before. I’m really good at being pregnant and now I know I can birth a baby and feel fabulous too. I really enjoy being pregnant.
And then it was negative.
I almost cried. But I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disappointed. I still feel mixed about it- and I’m not quite myself as I was before this test.
I geared up. I was ready to say yes to a new baby, to welcome a pregnancy, to grow a new person again.
And now I’m not pregnant. But I didn’t really want to be, did I? I wasn’t really ready do be pregnant again- not quite yet. Isn’t that what I was thinking? So what changed?
For me, it’s time to sit quietly and search within myself. I need to take a little time to sort this through.
Your comments are especially welcome.