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Posts Tagged ‘truth’

I posted on Tuesday about the past. I was remembering and figured the best way to get it out and be grounded in the present day was to blog about it. Blogging usually works to clear my head.

Later that day, my 5-year old daughter said to me, completely out of the blue, “Mommy, tell me about that car accident you were in.”

Is it a coincidence that she is asking for a memory that I was holding onto that day?

This isn’t the first time she’s been sensitive to ideas/thoughts in my head. It is very difficult to keep a secret from her. Picture this: I make plans for us to play at a friend’s house. (I don’t like to talk about it too far in advance because then it is disappointing if we have to cancel, due to illness or something.) When she gets home from pre-school that day, she looks me in the face and says “We’re going to Sophia’s?! When?”

I don’t know if she reads my face or my mind. I’m not sure it really matters. But because of this sensitivity, I’m careful. I don’t lie to her. I don’t want to give her mixed signals- one from my face/mind and something different from my words. This means I have to come up with ways to talk about things in 5-year old terms that I don’t necessarily want to talk about, because she’s asked me a direct question.

Sometimes I’ll tell her that I’m not ready to talk about certain ideas. But I will often find ways to talk about things I would not have brought up without her questions. She asks about God; about my parents; about the Spirit Realm/Heaven.

Last week she asked about the memory field- a lawn covered in flags to memorialize the lives of children who died at the hands of their parents and care-givers. She wanted to know why the children would choose to be born into families that didn’t know how to care for them. And I didn’t have an answer. I tell her the truth about that, too.

I am proud to answer my daughter’s questions. I’m so grateful she feels safe enough to ask. I do find it exasperating at times that she always wants to know things- but that doesn’t last long, and it doesn’t outweigh the pleasure I get from connecting to her as an individual person with her own thoughts and ideas. She continues to amaze me- and I’m thankful she chose me to be her mother.

Are your children sensitive to your thoughts? Do they ask questions that seem beyond their years? How do you respond?

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As part of my attempt to parent consciously, I try to remember that my example is essential. I also remember that to be a good example, I have to make mistakes (in front of my kids) and I can must be accepting of myself as an imperfect human being, even when I don’t feel good.

This is one of those days. I admit it out loud, as much as I don’t really want to. Because really, I like feeling good. I like that I’ve grown into a secure and confident woman. And I do a lot of things on a regular basis that keep my spirits up, and keep me feeling peaceful and happy. And today it doesn’t seem to matter about those things. Today, I’m still mixed up about Friday.

I was at the playground Friday with my little one. There was a strange man there when we arrived. K and I got to work, drying off the slides, hoping a few friends would arrive soon (which thankfully one did). While we were playing with our friends, and I wasn’t paying attention, the man grabbed me from behind. My friend yelled at him and I shook him off and he left the park. I called the police and they found him.

But I’m left feeling all kinds of mixed emotions- angry, fearful, and more. I keep thinking what it might have looked like if our friends had not come to meet us. We didn’t know when we set out if anyone was coming and it’s not unusual for us to play alone some days.

I was reminded last night that I focus a lot of energy toward compassion and tolerance for others, and I sometimes forget to display these qualities toward myself. I forget to be considerate and kind to myself, in my thoughts and actions. Where is my compassion for myself, as I beat myself up over giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt and not predicting the future?

How do I teach my children to be safe and secure when I’m not feeling secure today? I have talked to my older daughter about trusting her gut. She calls this “God in her body” because I tried to explain God gives her the intuition that lives within her. I explained that if something doesn’t feel right, she can trust herself to change course and do what she needs to do to feel safe. I have been very good at this in the past, but not on Friday.

Adding insult to injury, I’m feeding my insecurity by not talking about this with my friends. I don’t want to talk about it- I feel like it’s my fault. Plus, nothing really happened so why am I so freaked out anyway? Really, I know the truth of this. I know that what happened is enough to be freaked out about. But it’s not enough to get me comfortable talking about being vulnerable. I don’t want to be vulnerable today. I want to feel strong again.

So that’s why I’m writing. I haven’t been able to speak the whole truth more than a couple times. But I know there is strength in the truth. And there is nothing more spiritual (to me) than authenticity. Pretending doesn’t make me a better parent, friend, or anything else.

I am putting one foot in front of the other today, being an example of self-acceptance- a little bit at a time. Being an example, I remind myself- is not about perfection or doing things right. It’s about being honest, and hopefully kind. And even if my little ones are too young to understand it all, being an example is an ongoing process. Today’s lesson is an opportunity to be ready for the next lesson in acceptance, tolerance and love of myself.

And that’s the example I want to live.

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